Grant Miller's Alleged Dating History: The Ones That Got Away...Vol II

When [Redacted] was a Young College Republican contemplating whether or not to enlist in the US Armed Forces, he went to see a guest speaker at the Student Union. That woman would change his life forever - Man Coulter.

They met that quiet Saturday night and decided that their attraction was too strong for words. For a while I thought that maybe this story travelling around the internet regarding a liberal seducing Ann was a reference to that same Love Story. Alas, it was not.

I'm pretty convinced that some of the undocumented sources that suggest that Ann and [Redacted] were an inspiration for characters in Scooter Libby's novel, The Apprentice. Take this passage which potentially describes the earliest manifestations of their magical relationship:

At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

Ann and Grant enjoyed the great outdoors and feasting on the souls of the undead, until that fateful day when Ann walked in on [Redacted] listening to Al Franken and laughing boisterously among his fellow college chums. In dramatic fashion, Ann let the room know how she felt:

Ann addressed her supporters in the crowd with this statement. "You're men. You're heterosexuals. Take 'em out." She chided them further when they did not rise. Before you knew it there was about 25 students marching... to supposedly "take out" [Redacted]. I saw a priest holding students back and deans and security warning...[the chums]...to go back to their seats. Chaos erupted. Ann left after taking one question.

You may be wondering, what was that "one question"? Well, to complete the historical record... [Redacted] turned to Coulter with a look of bewilderment reminiscent of Dances With Wolves.

I am Wind-In-His-Hair! Can you not see that I am your friend?

Coulter's response before leaving? "Fuck you, Liberal Baby Killer!"

Alas, in the great history of Grant Miller's dating, Ann is another one that got away...

That poor, ignorant bastard....

The Unofficial Is Filth!

The holy kabbalah warns that the sin of spilling sperm in vain is the cause for most diseases and misfortune!

[Redacted] Doesn't Know The Real Lyrics - And Neither Do I!

Consider this an experiment. Having visited Paul M. Sark's "blog", Me and George W, I realized that [Redacted] and I have a LOT in common. With apologies to Paul, I thought I'd point some of these out on occasion!

[Redacted] doesn't know the real words to lyrics, and neither do I! Below are some lyrics from some fairly recognizable songs. Grant's lyrical belief is posted next to his name, while my take on the lyric is next to Paul M. Sark's name! Simple, right?

Judas Priest: Turbo Lover
Grant: "I'm your Perv-O Lover!"
Paul M. Sark: "I'm your Cuervo Lover!"

Beck: Loser
Grant: "Soy un matador. I'm the bruiser, baby. So, why don't you kiss me."
Paul M. Sark: "Oy. I'm in bed til four. I'm a snoozer, baby. So, why don't you chill, Bee?"

Til Tuesday: Voices Carry
Grant: "Buck Fush! Keep it down low. Bush is crazy!"
Paul M. Sark: "Bush, Bush! Keep it up now. Bush ain't crazy!"

The Police: Spirits in the Material World
Grant: "Leave our beer in. It's immaterial, Ward. Our beer in. It's immaterial, Ward!"
Paul M. Sark: "The aspirin's in my cereal bowl. Aspirin's in my cereal bowl."

Nirvana: Smells Like Teen Spirit
Grant: "With your thighs out, I'm the strangest, hairy arms now, I'm the majus! Yeah!"
Paul M. Sark: "Huh?"

Decisioneer!

Some of you reader might know that Paul M. Sark was a finalist for the Press Secretary position at the White House. I don't know that I agree with Mr. Sark's stance on many (all) things, but I do know that he was VERY consistent in thinking like the preznit. As you all know (all one of you), Tony Snow was named Press Secretary and Paul M. Sark was left to consider his future once more. In the time I've known Paul (never met him, read his blog once) I've found him to be very decisive - in his words, a "decisioneer".

Now what you may not know is that while [Redacted] has been a frequent commenter at Mr. Sark's site, he has been secretly working to undermine Paul M. Sark. [Redacted]'s reference to date movies gone bad is no doubt a reference to Miller's association with the Jeff Gannon/Guckert - male hooker for hire posing as a journalist in the White House - affair. Specifically, it was a reference to 8 Mile or 8 MM (I always confuse those two) by [Redacted] that tied Mr. Sark directly to the politics of hate that [Redacted] engages in and links Sark directly back by virtue of [Redacted] to the Gannon story as 8 is a number that shows up on Mr. Sark's website no fewer than FOUR times! See! Clear as day!

I think Mr. Miller owes Mr. Sark an apology for that and for telling the preznit that Paul M. Sark is an anagram for Jeff Gannon... Can't believe that one worked...

Grant Miller's Friday Random Ten

Okay, so I've found a way to figure out the first ten songs that Grant Miller plays on his notPod. Don't ask questions you don't want answers to!

1. Thirty Eight Special - You're Just What I Needed
2. The Tubes - Celebration
3. ZZ Top - Manic Monday
4. The Cars - Fortunate Son
5. Interpol - All For You, Sophia
6. Ani DiFranco - Express Yourself
7. Kasabian - Baker Street
8. The Smiths - Blue Monday
9. Alanis Morissette and the Watson Twins - Boogie Oogie Oogie
10. Cabaret Voltaire - Mushaboom

uh...

Okay...

So, maybe he stole all of his music and didn't quite know...uh...wow. That's a special kind of stupid. Something tells me he didn't label the picture right on his hard drive either... strange....

Grant Miller's Alleged Dating History: The Ones That Got Away...

I was cruising through Scanner, Nerve's excellent blog of pop culture that may or may not be safe for work, when I came across a picture of someone who may be one of [Redacted's] ex's. My mind immediately wandered to that time of peace and love....

The first time Grant wore a thong it was, I'm told by unnamed sources, for the love of his life: Caitlin Flanagan. What few people realize is that Grant and Caity (as Grant calls her) may have been, if unnamed sources are to be believed, the inspirations for Shannon and Ashley in Bill O'Reilly's novel, Those Who Trespass. Here's a sample that World O' Crap discovered years ago:

Ashley was now wearing only brief white panties. She had signaled her desire by removing her shirt and skirt, and by leaning back on the couch. She closed her eyes, concentrating on nothing but Shannon's tongue and lips. He gently teased her by licking the areas around her most sensitive erogenous zone. Then he slipped her panties down her legs and, within seconds, his tongue was ...

Okay. Hold it right there. That is not going to be allowed in The Unofficial Zone. It may be okay for Grant Miller and Bill O'Reilly, but it's not okay for us.

Grant Miller very quickly trained Caity to serve him breakfast, clean his house, scrub his toilets, raise his children, and go on booktours where she could tell everyone how great that work was! She's a real trooper, folks. She thinks wives need to "give it up" for their husbands. Women should be, as she agrees with Colbert's assessment, "dependent on their husbands no matter the situation". Caitlin is one wacky woman...but not wacky enough to stick around when Grant Miller, noted Scientologist, reached Operating Thetan Level IV (pronounced: eye vee).

Alas, in the great history of Grant Miller's dating, Caitlin is another one that got away...

Grant Miller = Notorious G.O.P.

Well, I get thrown off the internets for one day and what happens? Miller accuses me of selling out (who's selling thongs and teddy bears, biyatch?) Then after attributing many defamatory quotes to yours truly, he goes on to say that we wielded "ineffective bile slinging invectives" against him. What a wuss. The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei wanted to jump into the fracas, but we at The Unofficial told him to save his breath and inner rage for something worthwhile and not waste it on [Redacted]...

You say we've sold out to the mainstream media. You say that we love Judith Miller. Quite frankly, we think you're overcompensating. What is it that's sooo scary about The Unofficial that you would take time out of your busy day of prowling the high schools looking for someone to go see Prospero's Books with you to take cheap shots at us? Are you a member of the Secret Police that we at The Unofficial stood up to??

Well, you're in The Unofficial Zone now, Grant Miller. You can't go hide behind your faux "bad date movie" bullshit. You need to step up and face the person you're trying to bully. You think we're just gonna walk away? This started out as a one to one fight, but now it's just not fair. Like Notorious BIG, I'm bringing the whole family. That means you're dealing with Madison Guy, M.C. Schrute, DJ Garreth, and my 90 year old, Serbian, immigrant, WWII father...pal!

We at The Unofficial, as all the Kool Kid call it, aren't going to allow you to spread your lies and deceit. We've invited you to come post here at The Unofficial but apparently you're too much of a coward to step up. Maybe you need to form your own "family", and I'd be happy to help you assemble your "brave" crew starting with your own personal heroes: Big Media, Katherine Harris, E.D. Hill, Eeyore, and Tom Delay. But I'm guessing that like the Lion in the Wizard of Oz you're just a big, cowardly Pussy Cat looking for a wizard to grow you a pair. Welcome to The Unofficial, Bitch! We're not going away! Site Sensei? Take us out of here...



The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei says: Ozu!

"Hey, Ump, You Suck!!!"

Madison Guy linked to this story about airlines considering -- wait for it --...Standing Room Only seating!

This forced me to think which is no small task. The hamster spun the wheel a bit faster and then it hit me!

I can't wait for Bleacher Seats on United!

Economy Plus will then be joined by Economy Minus. Pretty cool, huh? I can see it now: Buy a bag of peanuts for $5 from the guy inside the gate area ("Peanuts! Get your peanuts here!"), buy a $10 Budweiser ("Bud-Weiser! Ice cold Bud here!"), Two Hot Dogs - no onions - and heckle the folks in Business Class ("Stay home and watch it on TV you obnoxious bastards!!!")

Then the police come and take you away...and your 90 year old, Serbian immigrant, WWII Veteran dad who may or may not ever post on your blog because of this disgraceful incident suddenly erupts in fury about what a shameful lout I am and how the Germans would have crushed me for my lack of discipline and planning, and maybe, though it's unspoken, for my 25% jewish heritage. He'd proceed to tell me how ungrateful I am - because it's all about him, right? - and then he'd refuse to drive me to court even though I don't have a license because they took it away when they charged me with drunk and disorderly and public drunkeness. So, I have to hitchhike to court which doesn't work well because people who might give hitchhikers a ride won't do it if you tell them you need a ride to the courthouse. So, I tell my 90 year old, Serbian immigrant, WWII veteran, and now 'silent treatment sporting' old man that it could've been worse! How? he asks.

I could have pissed on the outfield wall before running for my car, which probably would have been a 'lewd and lascivious' because I don't know the cop and he hates me from "I'm sorry, officer, did I do something wrong?", but I didn't because their was no outfield wall, no ball game, and no hot dogs even though they did have the $10 Budweiser, but the people in coach didn't seem to mind too much when, too lazy to visit "the lavatory" (that's what the fancy seat-buying folks call it on airlines)...I commenced with the pissing...well, except for the poor Premier Exec 1K who arrived too late and was trying to fly standby and didn't want to go with "standing room only" because he wanted a seat and technically a bleacher is a kind of seat, right? He's all, "You're such a shameful disgrace!" which I think is hysterical because he said in one sentence what would have taken my poor, immigrant, blah, blah, blah dad two or three sentences to get out...in broken english!

Then after two weeks in solitary - cuz I shiv'd a guy to let him know who's boss, they release me. My company tells me I need to go to San Diego, only I can't fly United anymore because of the shit that went down when I got thrown out of the bleachers when I didn't even interfere with a ball in play like that asshole in New York, I just let loose like any red-blooded American baseball fan would, so now I have to fly American Airlines which is kind of like a more civilized ball park and they don't have bleachers. So, I have to go sit with everyone else in real seats where I'm forced to behave lest I find myself back in jail carving my toothbrush into a shiv again and using toothpaste to blind my arch-rival, Thumper, who happened to be a gang-banger and head of the PCHers (at least until he got crushed and Weevil came back into the picture) doing 5 to 10...weeks for 'drunk and disorderly' on Southwest Airlines - which is so directed at "everyman" that he had to follow a BYOB rule - and still got busted for drinking and selling his booze to Oh Niners...damn...

Well, when I put it that way it doesn't sound so bad.

Bring on the bleacher seating!!!

Heroes of the Wise and Venerable Site Sensei, Vol II

Hero?

Gareth Keenan

Why?

That's a stupid bloody question. If your small, little parrot brain had any kind of activity you wouldn't ask such a silly question. He's the Assistant Regional Manager-- Assistant TO The Regional Manager for Wernham Hogg - a global company - and a member of the Territorial Army. Bloody hell, what are you? Stupid?

Hero's gift to humanity?

He's Gareth Keenan, chap. You're beginning to sound like the Tory Press. Sensei says that we must worship Gareth for his stealthy and silent killing abilities honed as an assassin and Lieutenant in the Territorial Army.

The wisdom of Gareth Keenan:

"Will there ever be a boy born that can swim faster than a shark?"

YOU CAN'T HANDLE GARETH "THE ASSASSIN" KEENAN!

** Gareth Keenan now joins Dwight K. Schrute and Madison Guy in the Unofficial Site of [Redacted] League Of Heroes. Visit Gareth Keenan's site and you, too, will be touched by his wisdom.

***And show some love to Madison Guy who suggested we add Mr. Keenan to the League of Heroes!

From the Files of the Secret Police Squad!

We now take a break from our hatred of [Redacted] to bring you this startling information: MSNBC and Newsweek are very fond of those who link to their investigative journamalism. At their site they ran this story which purports to let the world know what the "blogs" are saying about their Secret Police story which we at The Unofficial blah, blah, blah thought merited a mention.

I guess "journamalism" is alive and well. While they linked back to The Unofficial (why??? It must be their fondness for The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei!), I have to say that we at The Unofficial...are just a little pissed. Did they stay for Tiffany or Styx or The Dixie Chicks? Did they come to learn of those heros that may or may not help our fight against the tyrannical Grant Miller? No. They came for a Mayberry poke at those who want to create a secret police state with all the smoothness of Lt. Frank Drebin. I really wish the site sensei would comment on this.

I wonder WWGMD?

The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei Says...

[Redacted] is no Jude Law. The fact that he would try to present himself as such is an insult to his readers. In fact, while he insults those that support him, The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei imparts the wisdom of the Schrute to the innumerable visitor to this site:

We must never cede control of the motherland!!!

Grant Miller looks nothing like Jude Law. In fact, the celebrity he most closely resembles is Jude Light - as in Judith Light of Who's The Boss? fame - only Ms. Light is much better looking.

Site Sensei says: Osu!

Heroes of The Benevolent and Honourable Site Sensei Vol I

Hero?

Dwight K. Schrute

Why?

That's a stupid fucking question. If you had any kind of a fucking clue you wouldn't ask that kind of a question. He's the Assistant to the Regional Manager for chrissake! Jesus, what are you? Stupid?

Hero's gift to humanity?

He's Dwight K. Schrute, asshole. You're beginning to sound like the White House Press Corps. This isn't The Scotty Show, buddy. Sensei says that we must worship the Schrute for his valor, his intensity, his brains, and his body-building prowess.

From the mouth of Dwight K Schrute:

The Schrutes consider children very valuable. In the olden-days, the women would bear many children so we would have enough laborers to work the fields. And if it was an especially cold winter and there weren’t enough grains or vegetables, they would eat the weakest of the brood...

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE SCHRUTE!

** Dwight K. Schrute now joins Madison Guy in the Unofficial Site of [Redacted] League Of Heroes. Visit Dwight K. Schrute's MySpace site or read his blog and you, too, can feel the power of the Schrute.

Meaningful Encounters I've Had With Celebrities, Vol. IV

Celebrity:

Tiffany

Year:

Sometime in the 80s

Location:

A shopping mall...duh.

Sometime in the 80s I was walking through a shopping mall when I came across a non-descript female singing in the common area.

"Jesus Christ," I said to my girlfriend, Anya, at the time. "What the fuck is that noise?"

Anya just scratched her mohawk for second and said, "I think that's that Tiffany chick they're playing everywhere."

"Oh," I replied.

"You don't know who Tiffany is?" she asked.

"I'm sorry. I just can't believe that you do," I responded. We broke up right there. I don't know if it was really Tiffany at the mall, but it really pissed me off that she would know who the fuck some sugarpoptart named "Tiffany" would be.

A couple of weeks later we made up and stayed together for a few months until she recognized a Debbie Gibson song that was played before a concert at the Cabaret Metro in Chicago.

For the record, Our breakup had nothing to do with me dating someone else and getting caught when that "other girl" showed up at the mall and then the concert. It was all Tiffany's and Debbie Gibson's fault...I swear!

Taking It To The Streets

So, [Redacted]'s got himself a thong for sale. Nice values with that one. See the contempt he has for the Benevolent and Honourable Site Master? Yeah, he's not involved in a class war at all.

I wanted to let the countless fan of this site know that our battle against evil is now a joint venture. That's right. Madison Guy, pictured above in happier times, has joined the fray against [Redacted] and his millions of dollars, hot cars, and groupie babes. I may be just some "poor, ignorant bastard", but if it's one thing my 90 year old dad taught me, it's to fight until the death!

In fact, when he visits we still argue about the time he confiscated some of my baseball cards and gave them to Charity, my ritalin-addicted 7 year old neighbor at the time, just because I attempted to help my baby brother jump his bike over a schoolbus while he pretended to be Evil Kneivel. Don't worry. I kicked Charity's ass. I'm still fighting my dad to this day, though, and why? It's the principle of the thing.

Yeah, [Redacted] lives a charmed life...or so he says. We're about to blow the lid off his little game as we begin to explore Notorious Moments In History For Which [Redacted] May Be Responsible. My dad swears he saw him in a German uniform near the Rhine back in '44 (that's 1944 for all you wealthy, arrogant [Redacted]-lovers) and that he told my dad that SS stood for "Sensible Shoes"...coward.

We at The Unofficial are in this to the death, [Redacted]...or until the judge says, no mas.

So, everyone hoist a Guinness to Madison Guy tonight during Happy Hour as he inspires us all to stand up to the man or as I refer to him: [Redacted]. Slante!

Stop Saying I Have A Foot Fetish!

A kind reader from Washington DC sent along the following tidbit which I found interesting. It's always nice to get reader mail, especially when your EMail address is unlisted. I love that. Okay...I didn't get this from a reader. I don't have any reader. In fact, this came from the kind people at Nerve's Scanner blog (possibly NSFW) who sent me-- I almost did it again, didn't I? Who posted the following story about Arkansas teachers who have dreams about the Dixie Chi--...er, who got misdirected via an incorrect phone number:

The Arkansas Teacher Retirement System sent out a letter to 50,000 teachers accidentally encouraging them to call a foot fetish line. Callers expecting to learn about benefits heard: "Hi, baby! Do you want to massage my feet or suck my toes?"

And following the links you get this exchange between the phone operator and the caller (not me, already!):

"Hi, baby! Do you want to massage my feet or suck my toes?" the woman asks. She goes on to explain that "foot fetish fun is only 69 cents per minute" and offers another number to call "for all the hot, one-on-one triple-X toe talk you can handle."

I swear I don't have a foot fetish! Still the idea of calling that line - which I would NEVER do - is pretty amusing in a completely non-foot fetishistic way. Those Retired Arkansas teachers sure have it good, don't they? Do you think Grant Miller has or ever had a foot fetish? Could that phone operator be the man himself: Grant Miller?

Important Message from the Benevolent and Honourable Site Master Completely Unaffiliated With Any Other You May Know...

So, the banner's changed a bit here at the...uh.. well, you know where you are. This post was supposed to be about a foot article I found - I do NOT have a foot fetish. I just found this funny story, but... And then we were going to relay our beliefs that "the guy who this site was named for" had ties to all sorts of horrible moments in history -- AS A JOKE, MR. NO FUNNY! I guess the judge wouldn't find that amusing.

At any rate, I've been doing this for too long now. I mean, hell, we already celebrated an anniversary here at the Unofficial blah blah blah.

Well, real soon, I'm going to go on a "vacation" for a bit (see Madison Guy for a usage note on quotes! Important safety tip, Egon!) It has nothing to do with this "joke of a website" (as that a--hole called it in his legal motion) having nothing original to say. No, not at all. If I can't find anyone willing to stand up to "Mr. Chicago Legal" - as we will refer to him from now on - I will ask my 90 year old pop to take over the reins and steer this site into the 22nd Century or at least until he's still with us. I just need to explain the Internets to him and he'll jump right in!

Let's see Mr. Chicago Legal go after a 90 year old immigrant, VETERAN of WWII. Oh, yeah. That's right, Mr. Chicago Legal. Game on, bitches.

I was thinking of just cashing it in, but then I saw that my heroic plight has been taken up by Madison Guy. Hello, Madison Guy! As a true patriot and ardent supporter of the unofficial - but much more honest - site of [Redacted], I salute you by adding you and yours to the blogroll. It was then that I realized this fight must be won - restraining order or no restraining order! So, let's get the foot story up, shall we???

I've gotta go now. The van just pulled up!

Hmmmm.......

I'm in JesusLand at the moment and my neighbors are all "devout" Christians despite the drinking, whoring, and domestic violence. I guess I'm just not much of a Christian. I'm more of a Millerian. After learning yesterday that Grant Miller is an Operating Level VII (pronunciation: vi) Thetan and probably a friend of Tom Cruise (who has better hair than David Copperfield, btw), I realized that if I had my own religion I could probably market the shit out of it. The Church of Grant Miller, Esquire.

You poor, ignorant follower...

One Week Anniversary! Suck On It, Miller!

He said it couldn't be done, but we did it. That's right. Because of your support, my many legion of fan, we have exceeded the one week threshold and stand poised to overtake The Official Site Of Grant Miller as the pre-eminent Grant Miller site on the Internets. Sure, you could go visit the official site, but why? It's just biased propaganda from the mouth of Grant Miller. Here at The Unofficial Site Of Grant Miller we don't take a patronizing tone to our plethora of reader. No, we don't brag about our riches or our things nor do we refer to our celebrity run-ins as meaningless - every human encounter is meaningful to us!

We just give you the straight Grant Miller dope without all of the wry wit and dry humor. If bland intellectual sensibility is what you really wanted, you'd laugh at New Yorker cartoons mocking the lower class and demand that we begin a Masterpiece Theater Discussion Forum - something you won't find here. Here's to another week of Unofficial Grant Miller blogging! Cheers!


Update: What's it gonna take to get Grant Miller to come into the Unofficial Zone and prove us wrong by posting his point of view...unofficially? Time to do the Gob Bluth Chicken Dance for Mr. Miller! Here at the Unofficial Zone we're gonna keep coming at Mr. Miller, because we're an unbiased critic of his ruminations. That's something you won't get at The Official Site of Grant Miller.

Update 2: You poor, ignorant bastards...

Important Message from the Benevolent and Honourable Site Master

It is with great joy that I announce that Grant Miller has joined Tom Cruise as an Operating Thetan Level VII (that's 7 in Roman Numerals for all you poor, ignorant bastards.) As an Operating Thetan Level VII, Mr. Miller has only Level VIII left to achieve. When that happens he will be on a Scientology Cruise that will no doubt be hosting a Friar's Roast in his honor as is tradition. Among those expected to take part in the Roast are Isaac Hayes, John Travolta, Tom Cruise, and Whoopi Goldberg and the Dianetics Dancers! The notoriously reclusive and reserved Miller is expected to reveal at that time something which we can't tell you about. But we can tell you...To Read The Book!

Next up: Grant Miller cures Sydlexia, bitches!

Death Metal for Kidz

According to Grant Miller, one of the great contributions to Americana has been Kidz Bop which specializes in taking non-threatening crap-pop and watering it even further down by making every song cheerful with the voices of small children - not a minor chord to be found. This sugary ode to Rock 'n' Fucking Roll is FUCKING AWESOME! You think that "Feel Good, Inc." by the Gorillaz is the Bomb? You should hear "Feel Good, Inc." by "the Kidz Bop Kids. They ROCK! Or how about "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"? Green Day's version sucked! Thank goodness the Kidz Bop Kids are around to save the day!

Here are some suggestions for Kidz Bop 666 which will feature "kid friendly versions" of some of Grant Miller's favorite songs!

Darling Nikki - Prince

Turbo Lover - Judas Priest

The Stroke - Billy Squier

Celebrity Skin - Hole

Me So Horny - the 2 Live Crew

More Human Than Human - Rob Zombie

Too Drunk To Fuck - the Dead Kennedys

I Touch Myself - the Divinyls

When I Grow Up - Garbage

Theunofficialsiteofgrantmiller True Fact - that may or may not tie this all together - Number One:

Rob Zombie worked as "a production assistant on Pee-wee's Playhouse, but he also worked as a designer on pornographic magazines." There you have it. Another unofficialsiteofgrantmiller eye-opening moment...

Meaningful Encounters I've Had With Celebrities, Vol. III

Celebrity:

The Dixie Chicks

Date:

Last Week

Location:

None of your business

Grant Miller's mom was convinced that she went to school with Pat Morita. I don't doubt her for a minute, because unlike Grant Miller, I know when to suck up to authority and when not to. Though you can't really see their feet, I'm convinced that the Dixie Chicks have awesome, fucking feet - not that I know anything about foot fetishes, mind you. That's a story for another day, right, Grant? I ran into the Dixie Chicks in my dreams after seeing the picture above for the first time in awhile. It was a hot dream involving foot massages - I swear I don't have a foot fetish! After the foot massage they let me erase the words on their bodies. Then they wrote those same words on my body...with permanent markers. I don't know anything that gets permanent ink out of skin very easy, so I tried Oxy-clean. It hurt and I still had "ATRIOT" written across my shoulder. Then I woke up.

I wonder if Grant's mom went to school with the Dixie Chicks? Since Grant's mom voted Republican, would she think the Dixie Chicks were cute or just "Liberal Sluts"? More importantly, how will I remove the words I sleep-wrote with permanent markers on my body? I'm not really a "Dixie Slut"... am I?

Secret Police!

Newsweek says that the Pentagon is creating a secret police force. Some people think this is a bad thing. They say it's like 1984. 1984 wasn't so bad, was it? I loved Flock of Seagulls. And Theo Huxtable was a laugh fucking riot. This really doesn't sound like such a bad thing, does it? If the guys they pick for this secret force look anything like the bunch above, then I say Huzzah! We need someone to protect us from the lunatics and the nutjobs and the really detached from reality types - the crazies!

What, me worry? Not with Commander Cuckoo Bananas in charge!

You poor, ignorant bastards....

TRUCE?

It's time to call a truce with The Official Site Of Grant Miller and so in the spirit of the season - baseball season - I'd like to invite Grant Miller to post an entry here at the Unofficial Site Of Grant Miller. In doing so, I believe, this site will then become The Official Unofficial Site of Grant Miller. With my many legions of reader , I have much to offer Mr. Miller. I'm not at war with Mr. Miller, Mr. Baxter, Peeps, Bronzed Munchkin Guy, or Penis Scrubbing Man - who's really Penis Blowdrying Man. I am just doing my part to try and increase the peace. So, Grant Miller, are you in?

Meaningful Encounters I've Had With Celebrities, Vol. II

Celebrity:

Styx

Date:

1992ish

Location:

Music Venue in Chicago

I went to alot of concerts between 1984 and 1995. Somewhere in the early 90s, my girlfriend at the time, got free tickets to see Sting. They were free. Sitting in the front row were the members of Styx. One of the members is James Young who insists on being called "JY" because he is a major league asshole. On the Styx website, Jimmy says the following:

JY's biggest career regret
During the craziness that was Kilroy, I was invited to Muddy Water’s house for a summer barbeque. I could not attend because we had to be out of town gigging or whatever, but what told that the invitation was open to me in the future. Sadly, Muddy died soon thereafter, so I missed my chance to go to the house of, and meet, possibly the greatest Chicago Blues Man ever.

Call me crazy, but I would have thought that Jimmy's biggest regret would have been not taking enough music lessons to avoid sucking ass so bad that his band would have to get a second guy to make him sound good. I walked up to them and started dancing like a robot. They called me names. They were responsible for "Mr. Roboto". I win.

I wonder if Grant Miller will start calling himself GM once he hits it big?

My Own Personal War on Easter

Ted Baxter not withstanding, I believe I may be at war with Easter...or more correctly, Peeps. I hate Peeps. They are evil, vile things. Did you ever notice that vile and evil are anagrams and synonyms?

Peeps are wrong on so many levels. They are sugar coated packing material. They serve no purpose. Then I saw this.



Now, what am I to do? I want to say, "niiiiiice Peeps!" But that's a sexist pervert kind of pickup line. It's the kind of thing you hear from a fratboy. And we at theunofficialsiteofgrantmiller are anything but perverts or fratboys.

By placing the Peeps on this woman's breast they have legitimized Peeps. In the process they have negated my War on Easter. Which means I once again have a legitimate beef with Ted "The Loofa" Baxter. I wonder what Andrea Mackris thinks about Peeps. But I am not in a "culture war" with Ted. I would have to take something seriously to be at war with it.

I think I'll make a chocolate O'Reilly for Easter. Then I'll let my kids bite his head off. Then mom and I can go play with Peeps. I love Peeps; did I mention that?

Miller vs. Not-Miller

The Official Site of Grant Miller has decided to declare war on us after only two posts. Mr. Miller claims he "has my number" and that "he" has directed "Fox News" Security to come after me. I'm okay with that. Rather than fight Mr. Miller, I want to share some things about Mr. Miller that all of you should know:

He chases ghosts with a gameboy and a voltmeter which he claims measure spectral energy and records "EVPs"...

He likes to visit tanning sites on Tuesdays.

David Copperfield is stalking him.

He blowdries his nuts.

He suffers from multiple personality "misorder".

He loooooooves showtunes.

He likes Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies and Dr. Pepper "and don't you dare bring that Mr. Pibb bullshit anywhere near" him.

He's got a sweet ride!

People at the Coffee and Tan Shop

I know that one side of me is obsessed with Penis Scrubbing Man but the other side of me is obsessed with more normal people...like the guy at the Coffee and Tan Shop. Each morning I stroll into get my hot cup of joe that comes in three sizes: poco, mucho, mucho macho and mucho macho grande. Okay, four sizes. I usually just ask for a medium. Through the back door leading to the tanning area, he sits every Tuesday, his mirror reflected visage visible through the cracked doorway. He's fairly normal except that he occasionally pulls his scrotum out several inches to see if his tan is consistent (I think. Why else would someone pull their scrotum out a foot and a half?) He's always whistling showtunes. Today it was the "We Welcome You To Munchkin Land" song from Wizard of Oz. I was going to call him, Bronzed Nut Guy, but I think I'll call him Tanned Munchkin Man...

Meaningful Encounters I've Had With Celebrities, Vol. I

Celebrity:

Ron Jeremy

Date:

Summer 2004

Location:

Lambert Field Airport, St. Louis, Missouri

The Inside Scoop: I met a colleague at the airport so that we could complete some quick business as he headed east from L.A. to Washington DC. Outside the Starbucks near baggage claim was a short, balding, troll-like man in a T-shirt and jeans with some hottie wearing a two sizes too small baby T. A bunch of guys were using their cellphones to take pictures...nerds. "Who is that?" I asked. "It's Ron Fucking Jeremy!" one of the Frat Boys responded. I guess they were gay. I wasn't looking at him.