BREAKING NEWS: Grant Miller implicated in Cycling Doping Scandal!

I have it on good authority that tomorrow morning when the New York Times is released we will learn that Grant Miller has been involved in one of the greatest blood doping scandals ever. [Redacted] could not be reached for comment, but the blogging world certainly won't be the same without Miller in the hunt. The rumor is that very soon he will be forced to provide testimony to a Grand Jury over a period of one to two weeks. If that happens, we may see Miller disappear during that time and thereby confirm the suspicions swirling around him.

Currently, the International Blogging Sporting-Group (IBS) has no formal rules in place for dealing with a suspected blood doper. According to testimony from sources close to the cycling world, Miller was trying to achieve many of the same advantages that many cyclists pursue thru blood doping. Earlier today, Ivan Basso and Jann Ulrich were forced to drop out of the Tour De France simply because they are under investigation and despite the fact that they may not be guilty. What is interesting is that when asked whether Miller may be involved, each of the nine suspected cyclists sneered, but refused to comment on the record. Privately, they feel Miller may be behind this turn of events.

It is unclear what effect this will have on other bloggers and whether or not the IBS decides to institute mandatory drug testing. Due to the blood doping and transfusion allegations, periodic blood tests may be required for all bloggers simply to ensure that Miller is not accepting transfused blood in an effort to raise the oxygen levels in his blood.

We're going to follow this story to its conclusion, but at the moment, things do not look good for Grant Miller or the Official Site Of [Redacted]. We may now see The Unofficial rise to the top. Other blogs such as Next Great Genius', Coaster Punchman, Bells On, Madison Guy and others have got to see this as an opportunity to pick up ground. Miller is suspected of having accepted transfused blood, pot, crystal meth, and something called a "Heffe-weissen". More news as this story develops!

Wherein I Respond To A Letter To A Fictional Character! Vol I

At BistroMath, Fried Blue writes:

Dear midshipman/firstmate ythomas gnarly redbeard,
first off, why do you have two jobs? d you get paid ezxtra for the dual roles you platy on toyour pirate ship? do you have a celebrity girlfriend? do you dhave a pirate girlfriecnd? if so can you ginve me any tips on lady-ing? Does the feather hanve somethinfg to do with it? Also, why is your beard red? is it stained red from all the foes you have slaudghtered? Why do some pirates wear black stuff aroubnd their eyes? Does it keep the glare out? Or is it just in movies? If so, are you als o an actor? Ansd that leads me to my final question.
Have you ever won any oscars?
Please dont emerge from my computer in a wave of gnarly vengenmce,
Fried_blue

Let's respond, shall we?

first off, why do you have two jobs?

One tis be a cover in case the king comes a callin!

d you get paid ezxtra for the dual roles you platy on toyour pirate ship?

Aye... I be takin' as many doubloons as I be choosin t'!!

do you have a celebrity girlfriend? do you dhave a pirate girlfriecnd? if so can you ginve me any tips on lady-ing? Does the feather hanve somethinfg to do with it?

Yes, and yes. Most people not be knowin' dat Nat'lie Portman tis be a pirate! Hmmm.... As fer da ladying, git yerself an honest to goodness pirate blog! Arrrggghh! And learn to say Arrrgghhh whilst engaged in unmentionables! The feather reminds the ladies I be ladying dat I've got me a feminine side. Arrrggghhh!! (See what I mean, ya bilgerat? Ye can say anyt'ing 'n get away wit it, if'n ye say, Arrrgghhhh! after it!

Also, why is your beard red? is it stained red from all the foes you have slaudghtered?

Tis red fore my heart bleeds fer the souls tis be lost at sea from the force of me cannons and the tip of me sword... and because penny red was the only color available at the Wal-Mart. N fore ye ask, no, me drapes don't match me curtains as a result of the Dred Pirate Clairol! I don't know what "slaudghtered" means - sounds Nordic.

Why do some pirates wear black stuff aroubnd their eyes? Does it keep the glare out? Or is it just in movies? If so, are you als o an actor? Ansd that leads me to my final question. Have you ever won any oscars?

Because it makes us fierce looking and not t' be trifled wit! And because it makes me feel pretty! The only actin' I'll be doin' is the musical, Pirates of Penzance! I never won an Os-car, but I did steal me a Toyota once!

Dat's all fer now! I be contemplatin' vengeance by jumpin' out da computer! Avast ye, scalliwags!!!

An Unofficial Service Announcement, Vol I

After being berated and belittled by the Next Great Genius, I went on a search for an authentic pirate for Grant Miller per the discussion earlier. Last night I found an authentic pirate....or so I thought. Now, here's where you want to pay attention so that you don't get duped like me. Captain Morgan is NOT a real pirate regardless of his fine libations!

Just another service announcement from The Unofficial. We always have your best interests at heart.

Pirate For A Day, Vol I

Being Friday, today is almost certainly Pirate Day...er...probably not, but I want it to be, and like Veruca Salt, I want it now!!! I don't care what the Schrute says!

Over at Bistro Math, Fried Blue graciously takes a request to write a pirate's letter - but does it with just ONE hand! Aaarrgghhh!!! That's a nice touch, because we all know Pirates have hooks!!!

At any rate, check out the Bistro Math, and while you're at it, post your own "Pirate Story" or travel over to Fried Blue and attempt to answer the letter to Midshipman Thomas Gnarly Redbeard - using only one hand. Should you need a hook to really capture the depth of the moment, here's a link to one for $2.50. Apparently, Piratin' has gotten alot cheaper.

If I find pirate entries today I'll link to 'em, my many reader. Bet Grant Miller wouldn't do that for those who visit his site...selfish bastard! (Woops. Didn't say that. The new rules from the judge say that I cannot refer to [Redacted] in a "highly charged" or "negative" "way".)

How To Deal With Work, Vol II

You are hereby ordered to unplug all phone connections at the wall for any multifunction fax/copiers at your place of business. Do it now!!! Then watch the tech monkeys scramble in the morning...

The Wise And Venerable Site Sensei Says:

Ozu!

5,000,000 Hits Update

An interesting question was posed by the Next Great Genius in the comments regarding the 5,000,000 hits required for Grant Miller to get a threesome with a pirate. NGG suggests that anyone who steals or has stolen an mp3 or other such file might be a "pirate". In said comments, I suggested then that anyone might be eligible for this opportunity with Grant Miller.

Since then, I've received many troubling messages via my Great Ornamental Brainwave Stealer, Trapper, Operational Pre-cognitive, Psychological, Energy Reader (GOBSTOPPER) suggesting that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. I hemmed. I hawed. I re-evaluated. Why was not one of my scads of reader even the slightest bit troubled enough to post a comment letting me know what a pig I was for dreaming this up??? Was the Next Great Genius right? Did I cheat and make this too easy? Should I have said "an authentic pirate"???

Then I realized - channeling Grant Miller - that you are all sick. You are deviants....and that you probably did the math and realized that averaging, let's say, 140 hits per day between the two of us, it would take 35,714 days or roughly 98 years. At that point, I don't think it would matter much to Grant Miller as he would be roughly 132 years old. If I said Authentic Pirate, do you think the response would alter the net outcome of 98 years to achieve my goal?

Poor Grant... This is the first time the Make A Dirty Wish Come True Foundation has failed... Sure, t's the first time we've tried, but that's beside the point....

A Message Received From The Schrute

Dear Echo,

That's enough with the pirate jokes, don't you think? It was funny for thirty seconds. Now, it is just annoying.

BTW, When I find who replaced my desktop image of Sammy Hagar downing a CaboWaborita with an image of the Jolly Roger I will fire the person responsible. This is a place of business. If you want to go around dressing like a pirate and making a fool of yourself, do it on Halloween. I am the Assistant Regional Manager and neither Michael nor I will stand for this.

You people who read this site are losers!

Sincerely,

Dwight K. Schrute

Write A Letter T' Yer Scurvy Congressman, Vol I

If you're like me...I'm sorry! Er, seriously, though, if you're like me you're probably ticked off with the direction this country is headed. So, you must take action. Doing so means contacting your local congressman. Because it's Pirate Week at The Unofficial, I'd like to encourage my hordes of reader to write a letter to said congressman...in pirate speak.

Dear Congressman,

It be time t' abandon your feeble followin' o' t' greatest thief this country has known - The Dred Pirate Bush. You be not representin' us t' way we deserve. You take doubloons out o' our pockets and line your own. Your votes be indicative o' someone who doesn't have a clue.

Whilst I get loaded to the Gunwhales, tis more common sense twixt me ears than you. Time to turn around in yer ways or face the wrath of the high seas!

Aaarrrrggghhh!

Dred Pirate Echo

Click ye here for an English to Pirate translator...

Things To Do Before I'm Gone, Vol I

There are many things I feel I must do before I leave this existence. Right now, I have this incredible urge to get a meeting with a headhunter at a top job placement firm.... and show up dressed as a pirate. What did you think I was gonna say? It's Pirate Week at The Unofficial, Aaaarrrgghh!! I see myself strolling into the office with a poofy shirt, boots, sword, and a resume...oh, and I bet an eyepatch would get me ADA consideration (and if that doesn't work, the peg-leg will)!!!

When they ask me what type of a position I'm seeking, I'll tell them that I'm lookin' t' pirate or pillage and it'll not be botherin' me either way!

My resume will include:

Education: Ayy, Marrrrrrrrrrquette University...er...none but what me mother shown me 'fore I was ripped from her bosoms by the angry sea! Arrggghhh!

Awards: None... Rewards: Many!!! Arrrggghh!

Skills: 'Til be a cold day in Davy Jones' locker when this Jack O' Knives can't be doin' the job tis asked of me!

Pillagin' the coastline

Pointin' me cannons across me bow, Aaargghhh!

Also proficient at Microsoft Excel, Word, and PowerPoint with a strong understanding of high availability systems....er...Aaaarrrggghh!!!

Ahhhh.... to dream....

Pirate or Anonymous Indie Hipster? Vol II REVEALED

Who could it be? Why, it's Captain Feathersword [Insert your own joke here or in the comments] from the Wiggles!!! Another Pirate!!! Aarrrggghhhhh!!!

Is it just me or does Captain Feathersword without his makeup look a bit like Ralph Fiennes? Or some anonymous indie hipster?

Aarrggghh! 5,000,000 Hits And Me Good Jack o' Staves, Grant Miller, Gets A Menage-a-Hook!!!

Grant Miller and The Unofficial have reached terms of a ceasefire. Grant graciously acknowledged that his behaviour over the last few months has been nothing short of appalling. Consequently, I feel like Grant and I are tight friends again (BFF if you will) - just like me and my very best buddy, Checko!

The Stage:

Over the last couple of months, we've seen a Cricket player get 5,000,000 hits in Australia and with it, his girlfriend has promised to partake in a menage. If he gets to 15,000,000 hits, she'll give him a foursome. Now, in my book, that's pretty selfish. I will get nothing out of this other than to make every effort to ensure that Grant Miller will get a threesome...with a pirate.

Where will you get a pirate?

Details, people. Details. I don't know where I'll find a pirate yet, but if you provide the hits, I'll provide the pirate! Isn't that good enough?


How can you help?

To show my appreciation for Grant Miller, I'd like to ask for your help. I told Grant Miller if we could get 5,000,000 hits combined between here and at The Official, I would arrange for him to have a threesome being the now good friend that I am. I don't know what Grant's wife thinks of all this, but then this is soooo much bigger than either of them. I'm not sure whether or not Grant cares if his third party is a male or female, and quite frankly, neither do I, but the third party as stated above, must be a pirate!


Why am I doing this?

I just need to do this one nice thing for Grant as part of the Unofficial Make a Dirty Wish Come True Foundation and my soul may be saved...again...

Let your friends know. Let's make Grant a hero. Click over to The Official, and help me make a dirty wish come true for my new BFF, Grant Miller!!

Pirate or Anonymous Indie Hipster? Vol II

Is this a Pirate? Is this an Anonymous Indie Hipster? I'll post the answer tomorrow!!

Pirate or Anonymous Indie Hipster, Vol I

Post your answer in the comments. Identity revealed Tuesday Morning in the comments!!

Is Site Meter Bitchy? Vol I

Like many of you, I often have multiple browser sessions running concurrently on my system. Unbeknownst to me, I had a Site Meter session open on a dormant browser in the background. Because I am a Site Meter Slut, I clicked on my own Site Meter to see what was cooking. When it opened, I was startled by the message that appeared on my screen (the following is a very close approximation of the message I discovered): Your Site Meter Statistics have not changed in the 20 Minutes since you last checked.

Oooh, I thought. Bitchy... And I like it...

Is your Site Meter ever bitchy? Do you prefer it bitchy? Is my Site Meter Session copping an Anonymous Indie Hipster Tude?

A More Likely Reason For Grant Miller's Lite Blogging This Weekend, Vol I

I'm all for trimming bushes and keeping my garden green, but something doesn't ring true regarding Grant Miller's most recent excuse for not blogging. That's when one of my sources sent me the following videographic evidence which purports to show a very intoxicated Miller being processed for a DUI. Note the Anonymous Indie Hipster feel he exudes. I think this might be the first real photographic evidence of Grant Miller on record.

So, Anonymous Indie Hipster, Death Cab For Cutie Member, or Grant Miller? Let me know your thoughts.

The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei says:

Ozu!

Unofficial Terms, Vol II: Are You A "Site Meter Peeper"?

I routinely peruse my favorite blogs and sometimes feel compelled to click on their Site Meter to see how they're doing. Those of you with Site Meter know that you can see where your individual readers click when they visit. Sometimes, I do it just to see if the blog owner is on and may reply to a comment. Earlier this week I noticed at one of my faves, that the Site Meter Icon disappeared! This got me to thinking about my own actions.

Why did it disappear? Did it accidently get deleted from the Blog Template? Was the site owner self conscious? Did I break some rule about clicking on the Site Meter Icon at someone else's place? Was I a "Site Meter Peeper"?!?!? Were my many reader Site Meter Peepers too? Should that creep me out??

A wave of self consciousness flooded over me. I felt dirty. I needed a shower. Sure, I may have written some freaky shit at this site, but was I some lowlife lurking in the bushes in front of some strangers house? Was I some creep walking around the neighborhood unkempt in a coffee stained t-shirt ogling young, nubile cheerleaders while carrying a box of "wipes" to a "friend's house"???

Perhaps, a support group is needed to deal with this affliction. Would you join because you have the same problem? I can hear it now? Welcome to Site Meter Peeper's Anonymous. Hello, my name is Echo, and I'm a Site Meter Peeper...

I hearby swear to never again Site Meter Peep...unless my curiosity gets the best of me... in which case, all bets are off... I think I need help...

Unofficial Terms, Vol I: They Give You A "Leaky Lid"

Was on travel this week, which means many visits to the many Starbuck's littering the landscape of Generica the Beautiful. Nothing fancy for this member of the Blogorazzi, just a Venti Drip...and drip it did. All I did was take the lid off to add some skim milk and sugar. That's all it took.

Eight or nine sips later and my Venti Drip turned into a Venti Dribble. It takes roughly two to three tiny drips to discolor your clothing and make you look like a total douchebag. Thankfully, I'm always prepared, packing an extra day's clothing just in case. Needless to say, I raced back to the hotel to change and out to my appointment and made it with time to spare.

At lunch I mentioned this event to a colleague of mine as it was the third or fourth time I've experienced this phenomenon. Before I could even get the words out of my mouth, this woman has transmogrified into a raging bundle of focused hostility.

"It's the lid! It's that fucking lid!" she bellowed waving a shaky finger in my direction.

"You're right," I said. "It's the lid. It's a fucking leaky lid. Starbuck's is giving us all a Leaky Lid."

"I hate the Leaky Lid," she said.

"Yeah," I replied. "It's bad enough they keep giving me cups with the wisdom of wingnuts, but then just like the wingnut logic, their lids are leaky."

"Fucking Starbucks. Fucking Leaky Lidded Bitches!" she let loose.

I let it die, but the Leaky Lid will live to ruin someone else's day.

Fucking Leaky Lidded Bastards....

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol VI

Is the term "Textbook" redundant? I know someone out there, you know who you are, will link back to some reference source to point out that a textbook is a specific type of book, but let's face it - that's weak. It's a book containing text. Where I come from we just call that a book...

FRIDAYS ARE UNOFFICIAL DAYS!

The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei is proud to announce that in two weeks, The Unofficial may kick off Unofficial Fridays! Drop me a comment and let me know why I should stalk you for a day. If your site is picked, for one day I will pay tribute to your posts, your site, your 'tude. I'll even give you a cute nom de plume like [Redacted]. But before I can do this, I need to know that you really want me to do this. Why should Grant Miller get all the stalk-age???

Leave a comment and make a suggestion. No comments? I'll take matters into my own hands. You don't want that! Site Sensei says:

Ozu!

People With Too Much Time On Their Hands, Vol II

Blog appears in 2006 dedicated to harassing one little known blogger with a wicked sense of humor. Blog disappears for four days in June 2006. Does anyone notice? Does it mean something? Do you care?

People With Too Much Time On Their Hands, Vol I

The Chicago Sun Times reports on Toynbee plaques appearing all over the country. Do they mean something? Can you solve the riddle? Do you care???

The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me, Vol. III

Situation: I saw my significant other's mother naked

When: 1994

Story: My girlfriend at the time grew up in a beautiful house that unfortunately lacked central air conditioning. Lucky for me, it made the place all hot and sweaty. One day after a long day of working I went to visit said girlfriend. When no one answered, I did what I was instructed to do: walk in through the back door and call her name. When I opened the back door, I walked in on my girlfriend's mom completely naked. Woa! Thankfully, after averting my eyes, she said, "oh, hell... I guess you're family now..." I really was family, and for one moment I was the happiest person in the world.

(Note: Unlike the photo above, my girlfriend at the time's mom had arms...)

Grant Miller would have cried like a puritanical baby. Shallow bastard.

The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me, Vol. II

Situation: Opportunity to be a hero to a baby bunny

When: 1990

Where: College

I was living in my ground floor dorm room and was privy to the private life of a bunny rabbit that gave birth to a beautiful little baby. She was so cute. The mother rabbit was so kind and looked after her baby with much love and affection. One day I was lying in my bed contemplating Voltaire, Sartre, and The Crazy Girls Revue in Las Vegas when my friend, Checko, came waltzing up to my window.

Without thinking of myself (I am selfless, afterall), I sprung into action with the cat-like reflexes of a puma. Onto the floor in one motion, diving through a plate glass window in the next, selflessly throwing myself through glass cutting into every part of my body, I landed one hand on the soft green grass ahead of the baby bunny and lowered my shoulder into Checko's gut sending him and a million shards of glass flying all over the place. The baby bunny jumped in the air three or four times to share its appreciation for my brave and selfless act. For one brief moment, I was the best human being on the planet.

Grant Miller would have let his friend step on the bunny. Shallow bastard.

Should I See A Doctor? Vol. II AND Questions of a Random Blogger, Vol. V (that's 5 for all of you non-Roman numeral hipsters)

Oy...So, the attempt to match the carpet with the drapes has become more interesting, and painful, too! Instead of platinum blonde shorties, everything is green. EVERYTHING. Should I see a doctor?

This is a case where perhaps, you - er, me - should have consulted Cosmo first! From the Cosmo Beauty Confessions we get:

Question: My anniversary is coming up, and I'd like to surprise my guy by dyeing my pubic hair some crazy color. Can I do it?

Answer: Unless you want to risk getting a nasty infection or burning your sensitive nether regions, many experts advise against making the potentially dangerous decision to dye down-there hair at home. But if you're dead set on changing your true colors, call your local salon and see if they provide a safe dyeing service. For a no-risk alternative, we suggest taking it all off with a completely bare Brazilian wax. If you're averse to pubic-area baldness, ask your waxer to leave a "landing strip," or request a saucy shape like a heart.

Question of a Random Blogger: Do people really turn to Cosmo for advice that could impact their health?? Do people actually think it's a good idea to surprise their significant other by coloring their nethers "some crazy color"? Why, yes, they do. Some even wish they had turned to the Cosmo Beauty Confessions before undertaking that risky operation... Damn you, [Redacted]!!! I'm thinking I should see a doctor...and where the hell am I gonna find a Brazilian who knows how to wax?? Sheesh...

How To Deal With Work, Vol I

The Next Great Genius laments:

I know that I have been working in an office for much too long. I know this because I recently sent out an e-mail to our department managers that closed with the following line:

"In the end, there should be very little impact on you or your business contacts. I hope you'll see this as a positive change, however small, that helps to reflect our continued growth as a company."

I know. If it hurts you to read it, just think how much it hurt to write it.

I am not even sure where I learned this behavior. I used to be fun! I used to send e-mails about Paper Towel Amnesty! ("If you've been hoarding rolls of paper towels in your office, please return them to the kitchen. No questions asked!") But, now... now I have become serious and boring.

Well, Next Great Genius, we at The Unofficial understand...

I woke up the day after sending out similar emails and went into the office...in flip flops and jeans. When accosted by the rules nazis, I informed them I was just taking advantage of Casual Tuesdays...they threatened to "write me up"...I laughed and felt much better...

Poor, ignorant bastards...

And Now A Friday Random 10 From My 90 Year Old, Immigrant, WWII Veteran Father

Dad: Vot ees an I Pud?
Echo: Okay, just take ten songs from your record collection and pretend your Victrola could pick them randomly.
Dad: Eet duz not heff a Kom-pu-tor! How da hell vill eet peek da mu-zeek rondomly?
Echo: Just pick ten songs you want to hear.
Dad: O.K. Let ahs get old skool, you bostards...

1. "I Leff My Heart In Son Fran-see-sco" - Tony Bennett
2. "Lock be a lehdee toonight" - Franco Seenatra
3. "Tiny Bobbles" - Don Ho
4. "Meck Da Knive" - Bubby Dehrin
5. "Mom-bo Eetaleeano" - Dean Martin (det bastard vos a dronk!)
6. "Crazy" - Potzie Kline
7. "Stormy Veadder" - Leena Horn
8. "My Old Flem" - Dinah Vosheentone
9. "Ev-a-ree Time Vee Say Gooood-bye" - Aylah Feets-jerrol
10. "Geev it avay" - Rrred Hut Cheelee Paypers

Should I See A Doctor? Vol. I

Using my super cool new X-Ray machine, I discovered that my leg is displaying an image that can only be described as anomalous. I injured my leg during a wild se--... er....attempting to thwart a robbery in progress at a convenience store by leaping from a stoo--...er...Television News Chopper onto the hood of the "getaway car". The old la--...er...perp escaped when I bounced unceremoniously off of his vehicle and into the side of a 12 point deer that was about to be run over by a car approaching from the other direction. I wra--...no...I taped my leg up with some Duc--...er...Translucent Scotch Ta--...er...the string I was using to knit a thon--...er...beer cozy wrapped around a stick, because that's what my 90 year old, immigrant, WWII veteran father would have done back in the day. I don't think it worked. Should I see a doctor? If so, how should I explain the injury?

Random Commenting

I'd like to encourage my many reader to visit [Redacted] and in his comments ask him, "Grant Miller, how can you be against Germans in Speedos, yet sell Grant Miller Thongs in your store?"

Just cut and paste it over there. Let's let him feel the POWER OF THE UNOFFICIAL! Anyone who posts over there will be added to the Unofficial Legion Of Doom.

If you feel inclined, leave a question or beg advice in this thread and we'll try to get my 90 year old, immigrant, WWII veteran father to answer the question as part of a new on-going feature: Ask Echo's Dad...

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol IV

Okay. So you can marry at 15 according to CNN today, but you can't have sex with your teacher at 17? That's right. And if you can marry at 15, can you now have sex with your teacher? Or does that mean you have to marry someone who's under 18 because you're under 18? If your significant other is over 18, does that make it "statutory marriage" or just "ewwwww"? ...just asking...

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol III

Madison Guy is very worried that sucking down Oreos to kill a smoking habit might not be the best idea. That got me to thinking....

How come you can buy anything in the world at a GNC including Creatine and other harmful shit, but you can't go and get a Trans-fat supplement? That way, you could buy Snack Wells and pop a Trans-Fat Supplement (TFS for all of you poor, ignorant bastards) and voila! Snack Wells that taste good!

...or something like that...

Oh my god, you are so fucking tripping...

OMG, You are so fucking tripping...

I always wonder about people who find Jesus in their food. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he shows up in a [something that should never see print]. Lest you think that comment to be sacrilegious, consider the "sacrilegiosity" - that's a technical term, kids, let's not throw it around - of finding Jesus in a grilled cheese or a water stain. What's next? A Satan Griddle - perfect for char-broiled anything?

Thankfully via (NSFW) the Scanner Blog at Nerve, we find the Jesus Pan (this link IS safe for work) which will put Jesus where you want him when you want him. "I'd like a Jesus burger to go." (I am sooo going to hell for that one...if there is a hell.)

Personally, I found Jesus on the end of my bed after a long bong and booze night in college. He told me I was waaaaaaay cool - cooler than [Redacted]. I asked him about the duck-billed playpus. "What the fuck is up with that?" I asked. "Oh my god," he replied. "You are sooo fucking tripping..."

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol II

Why are they called Mini-Coopers? Is there a Maxi-Cooper? And is it for heavy flow days?

Who Is Cooter Pitchman?

After reading this post, I can only conclude one thing: Cooper Punchkin is, in fact, [Redacted] attempting to generate more "Grant Miller" publicity. Tell Rooster Cogburn, enough is enough!

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol I

Why would anyone want "dealer plates" on their car? Why not just post a sign in your window that screams, I'VE GOT POT IN MY TRUNK!

Meaningful Encounters I've Had With Celebrities, Vol. V (That's 5 For You Non-Hipsters)

Who?

Death Cab For Cutie


When?

2006


Where?

O'Hare Airport


I was walking towards the automated checkin machines, mumbling to myself about airport security, when I ran into guys with guitars. They were shortish with "hipster" clothing and too cool for school shoes. So I know it was them. The guy who sings stared at me and said, "hey." I looked him over and said, "bitch, get your Crooked Teeth out my face."

They looked perplexed. Hipster scum...

Update: We've linked to Gnarls Barkley above because we really like Gnarls Barkley and don't feel the need to feed the Hipster Monsters any more than they already are... Well, that, and if it wasn't Death Cab For Cutie at the airport we don't want to get sued...

And Now A Word From My 90 year old, Immigrant, WWII Veteran Father

"De vorst ting in da vorld to hoppen to me" ees a ded bonny for Meester Gront Meeler? I vould haf chopped dat bonny up for deener in '42 eef I had da chance. We vore eating bogs and grass and on a goood day dondielions.

Vorst day? I vos shot in da face and belly seex times from da beezness end of a focking muh-cheen gun by some god damned Kraut bastard and a focking chopleen gave me my last rites. How's dat for a vorst teeng to hoppen to somebody? Eh-go vos right. Gront Meeler ees a pussy.


And now back to our regularly scheduled blogging....

Wherein The Wise and Venerable Site Sensei Outs [Redacted]

The politics of personal destruction are never something any of us wants to endure. So it is with a heavy heart that I travel this lonely, de-humanizing path. [Redacted] brought it on himself, I believe, when he referenced my difficulties with hair dyes and shitake mushrooms. I have thought long and hard about this, and believe that I owe it to you, my millions of fan, to reveal the information presented to me this past weekend. (Note: I will NOT reveal my sources on this and ask you to refrain from asking any more questions on this topic!)

[Redacted] is in fact a pseudonym for the blogger who goes by "Grant Miller" and is responsible for my recent incarceration. "Grant Miller" is, in fact, Grant Miller of St Charles, Illinois. He is a 33 year old Virgo hipster. He is an "engager" in the politics of personal destruction, and he may be the man in the photos alleging to show a very oily and naked Heather Mills. NOT SAFE FOR WORK There. I've done it. I've outed him. We must now go on with our lives, and he must go on with his secret identity revealed to all of humanity. Again, please do NOT ask me for my sources on this. They wish to remain anonymous.

Poor, ignorant bastard. The wise and venerable site sensei says:

Ozu!

The Best Things That Have Ever Happened To Me, Vol. I

This is a new run we're starting here at The Unofficial. Unlike that other site that has wasted thirty-some volumes (XXX-some volumes for you Roman Numeral Hipsters and Miller Sycophants) discussing all the poor, sad things that have befallen him (Pity party for one, anyone?) we are going to focus on how we've helped humanity.

Where?

Chicago

When?

Summer of 1994

What?

I helped a blind, old lady cross Dearborn...in rush hour...while raining...without an umbrella. It brought unending joy to my soul to be able to assist a fellow human being in need.

Grant Miller would have thrown her under a bus. Shallow Bastard.

I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!

The hits keep coming. How low will [Redacted] stoop? Apparently, he's now in the habit of claiming credit for my brilliant words. WTF? Apparently, Mr. Miller likes to tell people like Coaster Pusher that he created The Unofficial. Maybe he needs to go back to writing stories about breaking his mommy's widdle heart...pussy.

I want to be clear here. For the record, this battle with [Redacted] is real. He's starting to bring out my inner Schrute and that's not good for anyone! I am ECHO, hear me roar!!! Now, please remember that our enemy, my many reader, is [Redacted]. We must retain focus. And we must bring Coasters Pusher or whatever his name is to the side of righteousness! He must Redact his statement that [Redacted] is Echo or at least Redact that [Redacted] is in some way responsible for my words of inner beauty! Anyone can tell from the two sites in question, that the Unofficial is officially better written than the sellout known as [Redacted].

We will crush him! We must! Stay tuned for big news tonight, my legion of follower! The Site Sensei will return with great and joyful news. As for the carpet and drapes thing, I think I might have over-dyed. Suggestions, anyone?

The Return of The Unofficial

Sorry for disappearing, my many fan. Grant Miller managed to get me thrown off the Internets. But, I'm back! I know that many of you are disappointed. Some have said that once I reached 5 unique readers I just disappeared. That's simply not true. I had a little problem with [Redacted] and a little evidence planting he performed in order to shut me up! That story will come out in its entirety in short order!

Essentially, [Redacted] planted a bloody clown suit on my property along with some magic mushrooms and the next thing you know I'm explaining to my 90 year old, immigrant, WWII veteran dad about how I really had nothing to do with the clown suit OR the psychedelic natural pharmaceuticals planted on my property and could he just bail me out this once...to which he just replied, "Oh, shore, Ah bo-lieve you, you sonovabeetch!"

After a long incarceration, I'm finally free and have rededicated my life to bringing down [Redacted] and his new empire. How long before we will all be subjected to the "Yearly Grant" conventions, huh? What then? The Grantington Post? We must stop this menace. The line must be drawn HERE!

So, now that my curtains almost match the drapes (That "Penny Red" burns like a biyatch if you leave it on too long...on the curtains if you know whu ahm sayin'...) I hereby reboot THE UNOFFICIAL SITE OF [REDACTED]...