Unofficial Terms, Vol XXI: "Ringtone-Deaf"

Some people suffer from inferiority complexes. You know the type? There's the guy who thinks its important that you know that he has an incoming call on his cell phone or maybe he just needs you to hear his ringtone. Rather than place his phone on vibrate, he selects a ringtone - Brahm's anyone? - and it usually sounds like dogshit through the MIDI processor and the crappy little speaker on his Motorola.

The phone rings and a horrible pain runs through every nerve ending in your body. He stares at the display on the phone as you cringe. Does he recognize the number? No? The phone keeps ringing. His *puzzled* look is as phony as his job title. Suddenly, after several bars of the tune and presumably just before the call will kick over to voicemail... he hits send and picks up the call. "Hey, honey," he says.

So, now I know he's full of shit and just trying to show off his ringtone, not realizing that he's *ringtone deaf*.

What to do? you may ask. Well, fear not, my legions of reader! I've decided to teach these assholes a lesson. I've recorded an audio sample from the hit movie *Euphoria*. Never heard of it? That's because it's a *pornographic film*. I promptly change my ringtone to this sample and let Mrs. Echo know that it's time for her to call me back. Queue the music and roll sound!

*Unh...come on, baby...ooooooh....you know you want it...[sucking sounds]* I turn my phone over in my hand and look at it incredulously. My goodness! Whoever could it be?

*[screams of faux pleasure]...Ooooh, you fucker!....give it to me in my ass!.... Please!* Hmmm... I'm still not sure what to do! What kind soul should be attempting to make human contact across this cellular sea of emptiness with little old me???

*JESUS CHRIST!...Yeah!...Use your whole fist!!* Oh, silly me! I know who it is... It's the sunshine of my life! That's who it is!

"Hey, sweetie, what's up?"

I'm Baaaaaaaaack....

Laptop is back and mostly happy... We hope! Posting to resume shortly!

Missing You

HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS-Do You Believe In Love

Thought I'd try to fill the void that Echo has left in our hearts by playing one of his favorite tunes. Good old Huey, always asking those difficult questions.

Echo Taken Offline by Bam Bam

This just in.....

According to reliable reports, Echo has been taken offline by none other than Bam Bam. Our source tells us that the child of unusual strength has sent Echo's laptop to Apple's Intensive Care Unit, where it is expected to be fully recovered by Friday. Until then, our dear friend Echo will be offline. Please check in frequently for updates on laptop's condition. We wish it a speedy recovery!

Unofficial Terms, Vol XX and GEWs For GESUS In The Work Place: "Anti-semantite"

Earlier today I read about the problems at the Minneapolis-St Paul Airport in Minnesota where cabdrivers can reject fares based on religious beliefs. If a muslim cabdriver sees you with a bottle of wine, you're shit out of luck. This got me to thinking. If we're going to be able to engage in uncivil behaviour because of our religious beliefs, then let's fucking do it right!

From this day forth, if when speaking to a potential client or co-worker you discover that he/she is a dumbass or simply incapable of forming complete sentences, it is your right-- No, it is your DUTY to end the conversation and business deal immediately and tell the violator to *suck it*. If you are asked to perform a task that violates our belief system, you must tell your superior to *suck it*. If you are instructed to meet with individuals over coffee who might think that you are making inappropriate advancees on them, you must tell them to *suck it* as the great GEWs for GESUS handbook states explicitly that "Coffee is not dating!"

In the book of Colbert 1:7, the word of the grammatically correct god is very clear:

Okay, so let's say you need to take a cab ride and the cabbie says he disapproves of your *lifetime* and you know for a fact that he meant *lifestyle* you totally need to get the fuck out of that cab. Well, either you do that or you blaze up a blunt and work on a conversion, right? If you can't convert or influence someone to use appropriate verbal punctuation, you may be dealing with an *anti-semantite*. Ask him if he accepts that coffee is the one true drink of god. If he says, no, it is your obligation to sacrifice a goat on his property as the smell will not appease god, but will offend the violator of all that is holy. So sayeth the God of the GEWs. Landerhaven. Ho! ... no, I .... I mean, if you're in a deal with a "ho" all bets are off, right? You gotta do what you gotta do. In the end, it matters not what god instructs you but how you interpret these rules. Go forth and discriminate. Tonight! We sail!

Please also remember to spell check and correct your superior's email messages. It will remind him/her of the higher power....

Landerhaven! Ho!

Sit Tight And Listen Keenly While I Play For You Another Brand New Musical Biscuit

This is NOT safe for work as it contains strong language that may offend the ninnies... Ladies and gentlemen... The Asylum Street Spankers present: Stick Magnetic Ribbons On Your S.U.V....

Echotopia Is On The Air...

Some snark. Some serious. All stuff I don't think is appropriate here at The Unofficial I will publish at Echotopia. If you're interested, I'm doing it over there. Who knows if it'll work? I sure don't, but stop by and leave a comment. The current theme over there involves the five worst breakups and their associated soundtrack.

As for The Unofficial, I will continue to write over here as it is my outlet for that part of me which craves attention, acting like an ass and writing hit pieces about [Redacted]...

Now... back to the regularly scheduled programming...

Ahhh, Now That's What I Call Catholicism

Dear Fellow GEWs,

First, Happy Dictionary Day, bitches! This holiday is almost as important as Festivus as you all know. Please introduce the ignorant to the many riches a dictionary contains today.

Nerve's Scanner blog posted this photo of a nun costume which got me to thinking: If all nuns dressed this way and were mostly hot, would I still be a catholic? Fear not. I'm still a proud GEW for GESUS. I'm just thinking since we are the religion with the hottest looks around, we're gonna need a hook - an eye catcher. Suggestions for the official uniform of the holy order of GEWs?

PS: Ulu, you misspelled calendar in your post below. Please begin self-flagellation (a word spelled correctly with the assistance of an on-line dictionary!)...

Much Love, Landerhaven, and all that,

Echo

GEWS for GESUS Reminder!

Monday is National Dictionary Day. This is a *major** holiday in the GEWISH calender, plan accordingly!

* * used to indicate emphasis or snark, your call.

Unofficial Terms, Vol XIX: "Mark-itect"

According to dictionary.com, the definition of an architect is:

ar‧chi‧tect  [ahr-ki-tekt] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. a person who engages in the profession of architecture.
2. a person professionally engaged in the design of certain large constructions other than buildings and the like: landscape architect; naval architect.
3. the deviser, maker, or creator of anything: the architects of the Constitution of the United States.
–verb (used with object)

Several of my friends work in Information Technology related fields. One friend, Mark, works as a Disaster Recovery Specialist which to me always sounds like he's trying capture the magic of a tsunami that's long gone. Mark stumbled into this career with no formal education on the topic. I remember one of our first conversations, shortly after he'd received his first check working for some IT vendor. "Guess what, dude! I'm a Systems Engineer now!"

Now, where I come from, an engineer is someone who drives a train high on cocaine... you know? Casey Jones? I laughed at him. "You are sooo not a fucking engineer! There are guys who go to school for years and study complex math and sciences to earn that degree. You can't just wake up one day and say, hey, look at me! I'm an engineer! Real engineers would rip your nuts off! If he's an engineer, I'm a celebrity. Know what I'm saying?

Yesterday, he calls me up. Hey, Echo! Guess what! I bit and asked him what I should be guessing. You'll never believe what I am now... I'm a fucking Senior Solutions Architect! Here we go again...

Echo: Did you build a house?
Mark: Uh... no.
Echo: Did you design a building?
Mark: Um... no to that one too.
Echo: Did you devise, create or make something related with the constitution?
Mark: What?
Echo: Then you're not an architect.
Mark: But, my card says--
Echo: Your card's wrong. It should say that you're a *Mark-itect* which is to say you are NOT an architect. Right?
Mark: Um...

I guess we're all just faking it these days. I wonder when those people from Entertainment Weekly are going to call me for an interview? Um...

Public Service Announcement For All Practicing GEWs For GESUS! Vol I

Every religion has a home base. While it's not quite Vatican City (yet!), I believe that the future home for all GEWs for GESUS will rival the greatest capital cities of any religion.

I have chosen Hans Island as our future home. As Greenland and Canada fight over this uninhabited island, we will occupy it. Let them fight. We will cultivate the land and watch our spirit and faith grow. Then we will call it our own. We will rename it.

It will be called *New Caprica*!

Landerhaven! Ho!

Unofficial Terms, Vol XVIII: "Major Couple"

Mrs. Echo had her 20 year class reunion this past weekend and things got... weird. First, we were reunited with friends who had been as close as family 13 years ago. Mrs. Echo and I went to the reunion with our very bestest friends Special Okay and Phillip Jackson (occasional commenters here at the Unofficial). Now, there is a little back story that needs to be revealed prior to getting to the heart of this story.

Many years ago - in high school to be precise - Mrs. Echo and Phillip Jackson dated. Phillip Jackson is my best friend for the last thirteen years and all of us have known each other for about 20 years as we all knew each other through the couple we were reunited with for the first time in thirteen years.

A mutual friend - we'll call her Ada Lescent - of Mrs. Echo and Phillip Jackson approached them at the reunion.

Ada: Oh. My. God! You two still talk to each other?
Phillip: We talk all the time.
Ada: For real?? You two were a *major couple* in high school!
Mrs. Echo: Well, we're all best of friends.
Phillip: We came here together. Mrs. Echo and her husband are staying with us like they do all the time.
Ada: And your spouses don't care? They don't get jealous?!?
Mrs. Echo: Jealous?
Phillip: Um... they're over there talking.

Phillip pointed to Special Okay and I who were chatting. We looked up to see them pointing at us. So, we gave them a regal wave and a smile. The look on Ada's face was priceless. Jaw dropped. At that moment a winch and an F-250 couldn't lift her jaw off the ground.

Echo: Why is she staring at us?
Special Okay: Maybe we should just make out.

Mr. and Mrs. Echo, Special Okay, and Phillip went back to their house that night safe in the knowledge that at some point Mrs. Echo and Phillip were a *major couple* and that Ada and others never really continued maturing after age 16.

Tonight I'm going to give Mrs. Echo something special. It's a note and it reads: "Do you like me? Circle one! Yes or no!" Don't tell anyone, but I think she might like me! We might even be able to go steady! Or... [gasp!] to the sockhop!!! We might even become... wait for it... a *major couple*!

Album Art Wars *NSFW*

This would have been the perfect accompaniment to the Music Tag...

I Write EMails

Dear Oscar Mayer,

Your Ready-to-Serve Thick Cut Bacon is neither *Ready-to-Serve* nor is it Thick Cut. I know my salty meat products... maybe not as well as Ulu, but pretty damn good if you ask me. I can assure you that while your thick cut bacon is pretty juicy, salty, and somewhat succulent... it is not thick.

It's not Ready-To-Serve either. It says so on the side of the box. Forty two seconds for a serving? Fuck you! That's *almost* Ready-To-Serve.

When I sink my teeth into a meat product, I want it to burst with flavorful juices. Sadly, your product failed to do so. It was quite a disappointment to open your package and find a shriveled, little meat strip doubling as *Thick Cut*. Excuse me? Are you fucking serious? You overstated your bacon's girth and left me unsatisfied. I've had hotel buffet bacon that was thicker than that.

Re-reading this letter I realize that... well... that didn't come out right...

Sincerely,

Echo

I Get E-Mails

One of my sisters should be the Minister of High Comedy if only she knew about this site.... She writes:

A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed; then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank, OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!"

And I laughed and laughed and laughed....but knew that I shouldn't have...

Unofficial Terms, Vol XVII: "Starbucks Nipple Blockers"

There it is... man boobs...sort of.... Now go give some coin... It's never too late...

Holidays! Yeah!

Columbus Day. What does it mean to you? I won't go into my socio-political disdain for this holiday (woops! Guess I just did!) I don't get Columbus Day off. That alone pisses me off. This got me to thinking... What are the holidays that we GEWs for GESUS celebrate? We don't have any....

YET!

Here are some suggestions for holidays that we might celebrate:

False Gods Day - We celebrate our role as one small part of the Colbert Nation. We spend the day reflecting on our truthiness... well that and we slay a bear for as the Colbert has told us: He who smiteth the bear shall find eternal salvation...something, something...

e.b. white day - I don't think I even need to explain this one do I?

Vile Enemies of the Unofficial Day - Originally, this is where we would spend the day mocking people like the Grand Inquisitor and Evil Dale for not accepting Colbert as their one false god and for not caring about *The Gerund*! (All hail the writing of *The Gerund* for its greatness is surpassed only by the appropriate use of the apostrophe!) Instead, we'll just bitch about how crappy Ayn Rand's writing is...

Festivus - Everyone needs a break. Well, that, and we need to make sure that we have the airing of grievances and that we all wrestle together as part of the feats of strength! FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US!!!

What are your suggestions? Dates?? Actions??? When you are finished, please sign your paper, place your pencil at the top of your desk, fold your hands and wait for the rest of the class to complete their surveys. Thank you.

A Little Ditty About A Titty... ahem, la, la, la....

In this country where we live
There are things that make me nuts
I am crazy about asses -
Not the morons, but the butts
I like calves and I like eyes
I like abs, so tight and fly
But the one thing that I hate are boobs who have no guts

In this town where I live
The wingnuts make me cringe
Repressed about the arts
But not about wearing fringe
They like beer that tastes so shitty
They're afraid of a little titty
And that's the reason that my ass is singed!

Oh, I like breasts and I like titties
Love 'em so much I wrote this ditty
They scare some folks and that's a pity
Those folks are all boobs!

Oh, I like Mams and I miss the *gals*
I've chased them all cuz they're my pals
From Artie's Bar to Eat At Sal's
Just say no to boobs...the moron kind...and cancer... ta daaaaaaa!

I'm a fucking wordsmith! Ok... I'm not... That was lame... But if you did enjoy my song and dance... then just go here and donate if you can... It's for a good cause... fighting breast cancer... and you can look at boobs (not the moron kind) to your heart's content... Visit Tenacious S or Ulu-lay for a better description of what's going on...

You're On Notice!, Vol II

And that brings us to non-practicing GEWs. I mean, come on. You can't plan on receiving all the benefits of being a GEW if you're not going to practice. My sister wants to be a member of our exclusive religion. However, how can I allow someone to enter the kingdom of good grammar and righteous vocabulary when she tries to turn *paranoid* into a verb, as in: "I'm going to *paranoy* you."

It started innocently enough, two teenagers running around a household yelling things at each other, threatening playfully, when she said something that she should, but doesn't, regret.

Sister: I am going to mess you up!
Echo: You even dream of messing with me, you better wake up and apologize.
Sister: Oh, yeah?
Echo: Did I stutter?
Sister: Yeah, well...I'm going to *paranoy* you!

So sad. I'm torn, though. I've often said that we are allowed to change the rules as we see fit. Therefore, I'm empowering you, my many reader, to decide for our cause, GEWs For GESUS, whether or not she's in. You can do this by stating whether or not we make *paranoy* an Unofficial Term. If we enter it into the lexicon, she's in. If you reject her? We will never speak of this event!

Not that it matters, but my two cents would read: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? I don't have time for this! I need to finish *administrivializing* or *adminutiae-ing*...

TONIGHT! WE SAIL!

An Unofficial Service Announcement, Vol III

Dear Kelly Clarkson,

I'm sorry about Rep Foley. He's just not that into you.

Respectfully,

Echo

Time To Convert Optimus Prime!!!

I need your help my many reader! Paramount Pictures is having a contest wherein you could have something called an *Optimus Prime* utter a phrase in Michael Bay's new movie, Transformers. Now, I have no fucking idea what an *Optimus Prime* is and I've never seen Transformers other than in a toy that my nephew talks about. But I do know that *Optimus Prime* is almost certainly a GEW for GESUS. For that reason, *Optimus Prime* must utter the phrase:

*Tonight! We sail!*

Just click over here and at the top of the page select "Make Optimus Prime Speak"...

All religions require their members to prosletyze. This could be our big chance to convert some youngsters to a life of proper grammar and english. So, who's with me???

Tonight! We sail!

Taggedy, taggedy!

Dirty tagged me with a twist. No books. Music. Game on... Sorry so late... This was tough...

1) Music That Has Changed Your Life:

First off, I listen to EVERYTHING. You are as likely to find Hank Williams and Patsy Cline on my iPod as Naked Raygun, Dead Kennedys, Springsteen, Dylan, AC/DC, Black Eyed Peas or Public Enemy. My next door neighbor growing up was a DJ at a college in Minnesota. His first summer back he introduced me to the most incredible sounds. I'd send him blank tapes and he would send me the coolest music. Naturally, my friends in Catholic School at the time hated it. I started High School soon after and within a few months I'd made some new friends to go with my old friends. If I had to pick one band or song that changed my life it would be... more than one:

The Smiths - How Soon Is Now? Love and Rockets - Ball of Confusion Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi's Dead


2a) An Album That Has Stayed With You For More Than Ten Years (In a good way):

Naked Raygun - Jettison, Sugar - Copper Blue, XTC - Black Sea, Midnight Oil - 10,9,8,7... , Red Sails in the Sunset, and Blue Sky Mining AND anything by The Mekons, Smiths, Guadalcanal Diary, Love and Rockets, Happy Mondays, New Order, LUSH, and R.E.M. What can I say? I'm a music SLUT!

2b) Music you're supposed to like, but you're embarassed to say you never really did: Gang of Four, and I'm not sure why.
Sufjan Stevens... I don't know why either...

3) Music That Makes You Laugh:

The Dukes of Stratosphere aka XTC - Chips from a Chocolate Fireball is a yummy collection of oddball aural stimulation. Morrissey cracks me up... Also, see Modern English below...


4) Music That Makes You Cry:

I'm not much for sappy songs, but when I play *Man On The Moon* by Sugar or *Love Song* by The Cure? I get *verklempt*! The one sappy song I really love is Modern English - Melt With You... Tex and Theresa... Isn't that great? I have a song that brings up nice memories of not one but TWO old girlfriends. Woot! Laugh, cry...heh... "hmm, hmmm, hmm"


5) Music You Wish You Had Written:

Copper Blue by Sugar is a PERFECT album. It kills me. I nearly gave up writing my own music after that album as everything is so much shit next to it.


6) Music You Wish Had Never Been Written:

Almost anything by Billy Joel.


7) Current Music You Like:

The Willowz, Pretty Girls Make Graves, The Faders, New Pornographers, TV On The Radio


8) Music You've Been Meaning To Hear:

I need to listen to The Bomb! My love of Naked Raygun compels me...

I have been meaning to give Sufjan Stevens another listen, but I can't get past my feeling that I'm just not that into musical masturbation. Am I wrong? Like my *Christian Rock wrong*? (I was very wrong on that front, btw. As it turns out, I just really hate Scott Stapp and Creed...) So, do I give Sufjan another go??

Blockhead's latest release. I hear it's supposed to rock. Of course, they haven't recorded anything in twelve years. I'll just pretend...

Echotopians (that means you) are ALL tagged. Chop, chop, people! I don't have all week!

Questions of the Universe: Or Ramblings of a Random Blogger Vol XI (pronounced: exie)

Why are they called House Pages? Is it the haircut? Or just that congressmen *paged* you incessantly in the days before IM?

This question of the universe is brought to you by Yahoo Chat! When you want to get it on with a Conservative Republican Congressmen, nothing makes it easier than Yahoo Chat!

Unofficial Terms, Vol XVI: "Mullet-Americans"

So, I went to the reunion...and more than a few jaws dropped. I realized very quickly that my recollections and remembrances were very different from those of my peers. You see, I spent my high school years rebelling...and I kept on rebelling...until I sold out about twelve years ago. I barely recognized anyone, which usually isn't too big of a deal at a twenty year reunion, right? Unfortunately, they all remember each other because they still hang out! Whu? Huh?

Not only that, but I was amazed that some of the same girls who frosted their hair and acted catty in high school continued to do so today. I did get revenge when one of them commented on *the hot guy in the yellow half banana hammock*. Take that!

Most disappointing of all was the extinction of that lost race of high school suburbia - the *Mullet-American* - which has been replaced through significant advances in gene splicing and Budweiser overdoses with the new uber-race - the *bald-crested, mega-gut jackass* aka *the former football player*. Those are technical terms. So, let's not throw them around, people!

Tonight! We sail!