Eat. Shit. And Die. Lesson One

Conjugating Sentences

Example: The GEWS for GESUS press conference made me shit my pants from all of the vomit that made its way into my mouth; that shit will do that to you!

Independent Clause #1: The GEWS for GESUS press conference made me shit my pants from all of the vomit that made its way into my mouth;

Subject: The GEWS for GESUS press conference

Verb: made

Direct Object: me

Modifier to the verb: shit my pants

Prepositional phrases modifiying the modifier: from all the vomit (adjectival phrase: that made its way into my mouth)

Independent clause #2: that shit will do that to you!

Subject: that shit

Verb: will do

Indirect Object: that

Prepositional Phrase/Direct Object: to you!

Now you try it!

1. I can't believe Echo puked in the punch bowl at the press conference!
2. Kids these days have abandoned the term "bearclawing" for masturbation; they now use the phrase "scaling Mt. Hood."
3. Who pooped on the stairs?
4. My boogers froze when I went outside this morning.
5. Fuck off!

An Unofficial Press Conference

Good morning, GEWS for GESUS and everyone else. I want to thank you for joining us here in the Unofficial Press Room. Help yourselves to coffee, bagels and bearclaws, but I'd stay away from the cream cheese if I were you.

I'm sure you are all curious, if not leary, about Echo's new book proposal: Eat. Shit. And Die: A Grammar Guide Replete with Foul Language, Sexual Innuendo, and Scatological Humor Designed to Reach the Average Kid who's Bored in School. Some of you, I'm sure, raised your eyebrows at that description and wondered if maybe a naughty grammar book would be inappropriate in the hands of school children. I would agree. However, if we market the books to a target audience of students 13 and up, we could provide the kind of primer Echo has envisioned without becoming, in a word: creepy. If we follow the MPAA standards for PG-13 movies, such as Adam Sandler's The Longest Yard, Wayne's World, Balls of Fury, Kickin' It Old School, or Napoleon Dynamite, we should be able to bring Echo's bold new vision to life without an angry mob spearheaded by an angry Tipper Gore taking criminal action against us.

For your information, I have listed the criteria for PG-13 movies, which contain:

• Violence, nudity, sensuality, language, or other contents, but does not quite fit within the restricted R category


• Any drug use content


• Nudity that is not sexually oriented


• Violence that is not too rough or persistent


• A single use of one of the harsher sexually derived words, though only as an expletive.

Films can be rated less severely, however, if by a special vote, the Rating Board feels that a lesser rating would more responsibly reflect the opinion of American parents. Since some of us are parents and all of us have opinions on parenting, we can decide together how far we want to go on a case by case basis.

As editor of this operation, Echo would like you all to know that he will take most of the credit for this project, but he will not bind people's hands behind their back and throw them from rooftops. He will also not masquerade around with masks pulled over his face and slay people who disagreed with him, just as our President has not done.

We hope you will join us in this evangelical project to convert the snivelling, angsty, teenage sinners against GESUS by applying your pruient imaginations to capture theirs. If you wish to start contributing to the cause, you may begin by providing a sample sentence that can be used in a lesson for determining the difference between direct and indirect objects. Please apply foul language, sexual innuendo, and/or scatalogical humor in your model sentence or sentences. Remember, keep it PG-13.

Thank you. Now go away.

An Unofficial Service Announcement, Vol IV

Attention GEWs! We will no longer use the term *badgering the witness* in regards to masturbation. We will now use the term *tossing off Mt. Hood*. This commemorative edition of rebranding masturbation is courtesy of Big Orange's attempt to throw Mt Hood into the ocean at some predetermined time in the near future. As Big Orange is too lazy to click on the links I provide, I've decided to be too lazy to actually look up the exact date and time I am supposed to participate in throwing this mountain into the ocean. Suffice to say, it is in the near future and it is the whole mountain, not just the very top, and it is mentioned at the link above. (Note: This post is safe, but some portions of Big Orange's site may not. Naughty, naughty Big O.)

*Tossing off Mt Hood* should be considered a Unisex action.

Also: I am still awaiting contributions from all GEWs to my forthcoming book (which I have not yet started because you have not yet contributed) *Eat. Shit. And Die. - A Guide To Grammar (Rated MA)* For more info, see the interview post below. Again, too lazy...

An Interview With The King of the GEWs....

Remember, kids... *No talky!*.....

Flannery Alden recently interviewed me and I have to say we tore it to shreds, motherfuckers!!! Here tis:

Flim Flannery: Echo, you are mysterious man roaming the underbelly of the blogosphere. Tell us a little bit about yourself. What makes Echo tick?

Nudity. Trimming the porch. Bacon. Leading my GEWs to the Promise Land... Slackery. Have you ever considered changing your screen name to Slackery Walden?


Flim Flannery: In the past, you campaigned pretty vigorously against [redacted], but you seemed to have relaxed your vigillince recently. In fact, you have only directly mentioned him in a post three times this year. Why is that? Are you going soft?

I've decided to ignore that prick. Despite what his archives show, I believe The Unofficial came first. In fact, I have a post from 2004 to prove it... kind of, sort of... Why do you hate him, Slackery Walden? (See, it's catchy!)


Slackery Walden: Marry, kill, fuck: (a) Donna Phillips, Freelance Writer from Claremount, California; (b) Ann Coulter; (c) Samantha Brown?

Marry Samantha Brown - I love to travel. Fuck Ann Coulter. (No. Really. Fuck Ann Coulter!) Kill Donna Phillips - she's so deluded... That being said, this is a satirical question and we at the Unofficial do not condone killing anyone or fucking Ann Coulter for that matter unless you're doing it in a legal sense because Ann Coulter is the world's biggest Douchebag.... I'm sure Donna Phillips just forgot to take her meds before supplying her pithy-osity to Starbucks... So, who would you marry, fuck or kill, Slackery?


Slackery Walden: Could you give a little background on the GEWS for GESUS? How did it start? What is your mission? What are the 10 Commandments for the GEWS for GESUS?

Hmmm... How did it start? Notorious KID needed to be saved. And I was the one to do it. Our congregation is quickly growing and one day a GEW will sit in the White House! Our mission? To save the world from the grammatically challenged. This year should be an exciting one as we will open franchises in Taiwan, Singapore, Russia, and Delaware! The GEWish 10 commandments are:

1. Be good.
2. Let he who is without predicates write the first fragment!
3. If you make a mistake, cover it up!!! Accountability is for pussies.
4. Don't hate the playa, hate the game!
5. Thou shalt honor and obey the mighty Schrute!
6. When presented with the opportunity to have sex with a celebrity, remember the *no talky* rule!
7. Remember the *no talky* rule works both ways!
8. Keep your list of fuckables close to your heart. Share them with your spouse. And be prepared to complete your journey if presented with the opportunity!
9. Eat your vegetables and celebrate Festivus!
10. Thou shalt not use the [Redacted] one's name...evah!

Oh, and 11, you should change your screen name to Slackery Walden...

Flim Slackery Walden: Has blogging changed your life? If so, how? If not, why not?

It definitely has. I am working on my first book right now - oh, thank you for that kind applause - Yeah, I'm writing a grammar book at the moment that's fun and hopefully will engage our children - you know? our future! I looked at a certain book that was trying to reach kids and adults for that matter and it was just soooooo fucking cute I almost threw up in my mouth. So, I quickly began to write a grammar guide replete with foul language, sexual innuendo, and scatological humor designed to reach the average kid who's bored in school. I call it: *Eat. Shit. And die.* It's amazing to me how removing a period here or there or replacing one with a comma can change the meaning of the written word so dramatically. I routinely tell my detractors to *Eat. Shit. And Die* and sometimes to *Eat, Shit, and Die*. So, this is really close to my heart. If anyone would like to contribute to this heartbreaking work of staggering thievery please let me know!

BTW, I love your new screen name....

Let's Speculate...

Above: a dramatization, not actually Echo

What does Echo do during his long absences from here? Perhaps he splits his time feeding the hungry and studying the dictionary. When he's gone, I like to imagine him robed and in a small monk cell, humming German hip hop tunes and plotting ways to undermine the religious right. Perhaps he is doing reconnaissance work, posing as an intern at [Redacted] Media.

In any case, I hope he is well and his mysterious machinations work out to his benefit.

What do you think he's doing?

Edited to add: Here is a picture that better portrays the sacredness and coolness of Echo's monk duties. My apologies for the above picture; I feel bad that it was not to your liking, Echo, but not bad enough to take it down.

A Message From The Schrute: Apologies, Apologies, Apologies....

My fellow GEWs,

Please cease the use of the term *bearclawing* in reference to masturbation. Our new preferred terminology will be *badgering the witness*. I wish to personally apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

Yours in battle,

Dwight K. Schrute

Dear CTU....

I am a huge fan of animation. I regularly check out Cartoon Brew and Animated News. Yesterday, I came across a nugget regarding a prequel to 24. Now, truth be told, I enjoyed the first and second seasons of 24. You know? Before it became *torture porn* and threw the same tired tricks at me week in and week out. From what little I've been able to stomach of the horrible tech writing, dialogue writing, plotting, and torture, it is easily one of the worst pieces of shit on tv at the moment and that's saying something when you're up against Jim Belushi or Jon Cryer.

The nugget from the entry read:

From the producers of the live-action series, the online saga will contain nine vignettes, revealing Bauer as he teams with fellow agents Nina Meyers, Tony Almeida and George Mason to catch a treacherous mole working within CTU.

Excuse me? Gesus Christ! ANOTHER mole at CTU? Who the hell is conducting their clearance procedures? Is there anyone at CTU who isn't a mole???? Is that a pre-requisite to employment at CTU?

Are you, have you ever been, would you consider being a mole? (Circle one) YES NO

Can you see the bad guys recruiting someone from CTU to work for them? Sample dialogue:

BAD GUY: So, like we were thinking maybe you'd want to work for us.
CTU EMPLOYEE: No, not really. I'm quite happy representing one of the greatest fucking countries ever.
BAD GUY: We've got a great health plan, six weeks of vacation, and the boss keeps the fridge stocked with beer and cookies.
CTU EMPLOYEE: Oh, well that changes things, doesn't it?

Someone please tell Kiefer this is now a career killer...

Or this?

Perhaps this?

Great Moments In Lyrical History, Vol I

In 1989 one of my fifteen favorite albums of the last 25 years was released: Prince's Sign O' The Times. This, in my opinion, is an exceptional double length album. It also features this fine moment in lyrical history:

"Sho'nuff Do Be Cookin' In My Book"

This Great Moment In Lyrical History is brought to you by GEWs For GESUS who remind you that: Spellcheck is for pusees.

(PS: If anyone can tell me what *heckaslammin'* is, I would greatly appreciate it...)

New Music Monday: El P featuring Trent Reznor

If you have to ask, you'd better consult the archives first.... Here's my favorite from the Run-dom Ten on my iPod at the moment.... FLYENTOLOGY....

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy, VOL I

I read the news today, oh boy. Can't believe what I read. An ex-Enron executive was sentenced to two years in prison today. Some of you may think this is fair. I'm really quite appalled.

You see, according to the encyclopedia of truthiness, Heidi Fleiss was sentence to 37 months which for those of you who suck at math is 3 Years and 1 Month. THREE YEARS??? AND ONE MONTH??? For running a brothel? Who was hurt by Ms. Fleiss' actions?

I mean, Enron boy helped rip off the state of California, robbed customers globally, ripped off employees' savings, probably created criminals in the aftermath as they produced so many unemployed and ultimately penniless former Enron employees in the wake of the self-induced collapse.... and he gets a sentence of Two Fucking Years??? Are you joking???

Oh.... riiiiiiight.... If there was a little nudity or whoring or some other sexual thing that Americans piss themselves over for fear of somehow harming *the children* who are instructed that their private parts belong to the state, then maybe he would have received a proper sentence.

Am I the only one who reads this news as utterly fucktarded???

Seals!

GEWs For GESUS - PICK OUR SEAL!

I'm partial to the Tonight! We Sail! themes presented earlier... however, here are a few more I came up with... Thoughts??

Select A for:


Select B for:


Select C for:


Select D for:

Here's A Few For The GEWS

I don't know...that last one seems kind of aggressive.

P.S. Thanks for having me; it's an honor.

I made some changes.....

Gizmo's Take from 2:24 pm...

GEWS Unite!

Landerhaven ho!

The New Seal of The Unofficial

Courtesy of Ululay via Johnny Yen via Skylar's Dad...